The Art of Listening
- lafilledennui
- Feb 5
- 3 min read
When to Offer Advice and When to Just Hold Space
A Personal Reflection
As a coach, I often let myself fall into my own "helpful" trap when with friends and don’t always know when to take off the coach hat. This can sometimes pose friction with people I care about and genuinely want to help, but I need to learn when to turn off that part of my brain and heart. It’s a work in progress, but recognizing when to just listen versus when to guide is one of the most valuable skills I continue to develop.
And then there are the people who keep coming to us with the same struggles, the same complaints, over and over again. They vent, they express frustration, but they don’t seem to take any steps to change their situation. It’s frustrating. It makes us want to throw our hands up and walk away. But we still love them. So how do we help them help themselves?
Listening Isn’t Just About Hearing
Just because words are being exchanged doesn’t mean healthy communication is happening. If the person venting feels dismissed, unheard, or steamrolled by advice they didn’t ask for, the conversation isn’t actually helpful—it’s frustrating. Healthy communication is about understanding what the other person needs, not just responding in a way that feels good to you.
The Difference Between Support and Solutions
There’s a big difference between listening to someone’s problems with the intent to offer constructive advice and listening to validate their emotions. Both are important, but knowing when to do which makes all the difference.
When Advice Helps: If someone asks, “What would you do?” or “How do I fix this?”—that’s an open invitation to offer your wisdom. Constructive advice is about helping someone see a path forward, but only if they’re actually looking for it.
When to Just Listen: If someone says, “I just need to get this off my chest” or is clearly overwhelmed, what they likely need most is validation. A simple, “That sounds really frustrating” or “I can see why you feel that way” does more than you think. No solutions, no quick fixes—just being present.
What About When Someone Is Stuck in a Cycle?
It’s one thing to hold space for someone who’s having a tough moment. But what if that tough moment is every conversation? What if they keep coming to you with the same issue, but never take steps to change their situation?
It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s okay to feel drained. You don’t have to carry their emotional load. But if you do want to support them without enabling the cycle, try:
Gently reflecting back: “I’ve noticed this has been bothering you for a while. What do you think is holding you back from making a change?”
Setting boundaries: “I love you and I’m here for you, but I also want to see you take steps toward feeling better. How can I support you in that?”
Encouraging action (without forcing it): “You’ve talked about wanting to set a boundary with that person—do you think you’re ready to try it?”
Ultimately, we can’t make someone change, but we can shift how we respond. We can choose not to engage in the endless loop, while still being compassionate.
Feelings Are Valid—They Don’t Always Need a Resolution
Emotions aren’t problems that need solving. They’re experiences that need acknowledgment. Just because someone is upset doesn’t mean they need to be “cheered up” or “fixed.” Telling someone to “look on the bright side” or “just move on” isn’t helpful—it’s dismissive. Instead, recognizing their feelings for what they are (“That sounds exhausting” or “I’d feel the same way”) builds trust and emotional safety.
Healthy Communication: It’s Not Just About Talking
Being able to say a lot doesn’t mean we’re actually communicating well. Healthy communication is about connection, not just words. It’s about:
Asking, “Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?”
Listening without planning your next response
Making sure the other person feels safe, seen, and heard
At the end of the day, we all want to feel understood. And sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone isn’t to offer a solution—it’s to remind them they’re not alone.
~ Always with love, La Fille d'Ennui 💛
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