Climbing Out of Self-Deprecation; Stumbling Toward Self-Love
- lafilledennui
- Feb 12
- 4 min read
Recently, I was baking banana bread using this amazing recipe I discovered years ago when a memory hit me. One minute, I was relishing how perfect it turned out, and the next, I was yanked back in time to the day I discovered it, how happy I was, and how I let that happiness get spoiled.
Picture this: Pandemic era. Maybe the 17th lockdown? I don't know, time was fake back then. Days stretched on forever, looping in a haze of existential dread and endless attempts at the perfect banana bread. This time, I finally found the absolute best recipe. Easy, quick, unpretentious, delicious. My neighbor and I were celebrating it and took the beautiful fresh loaf to the pool to bask in the sun, snack, and pretend life was normal for a little while. I, at the time, was also nursing an ugly heartbreak—the kind that cracks you open and makes you swear off eye contact with attractive strangers forever.
She (neighbor), ever the optimist, suggested a photo shoot.
“Just a few pictures,” she said. “Update your socials, show everyone that you’re happy, you’re beautiful, and you’re in love with yourself.”
Spoiler: I was not in love with myself.
But I went along with it because, honestly, back then, I would often try anything to feel even a fraction of okay again.
That night, as I scrolled through the pictures, I burst into tears.
I hated every single one of those photos.
Not just like ‘ugh, I hate how I look’. But like ‘I don't know this person’. It was... sad. I looked lost. I looked like someone I wouldn’t dare put out into the world, even in the controlled environment of social media.
So I did what I did best: I dissociated, deleted the phots, pretended like it never happened, and I kept right on hating myself.
And forgot all about the perfect banana bread recipe.
Years have passed since that moment. Years of therapy, self-work, and unlearning the idea that my worth is tied to angles, lighting, or how much space I take up in a frame. And yet—even now—self-love is a choice I have to wake up and make.
Every. Single. Day.
Some days, it’s easy. Other days, I still fall into old habits, picking myself apart like it’s my job. But I’ve learned something: self-love isn’t a milestone you reach—it’s a practice.
How I Shift My Thinking When I Start Spiraling
There’s no magic switch that makes you suddenly love yourself unconditionally (if you've found it, call me!). But there are ways to slowly nudge yourself out of the self-loathing spiral.
Here’s what helps me:
1. Catching the Negative Self-Talk in Real-Time
That little gremlin voice in your head? The one that says “you look like shit” or “no one cares what you have to say”? I’ve started calling it out immediately: “Oh, we’re doing this again? Cool. Let’s not.”
Replacing it with something neutral is key. Not fake positivity, just a reframe. “I hate how I look” becomes “Fuck it. I have a body, and it’s carrying me through today.”
The more I do this, the more automatic it becomes. At first, I really had to catch myself and force myself to redirect my thoughts. Now, I'm a bit faster, and sometimes I even laugh at how ridiculous my brain can be.
2. Small Wins Deserve Big Recognition
Self-love isn’t just about liking how you look. It’s about noticing when you show up for yourself.
Got out of bed even though you wanted to stay in bed and rot? Win.
Sent the email you were avoiding? WIN.
Drank water instead of downing coffee on an empty stomach? HUGE WIN.
Yeah, it feels silly at first. But I promise, celebrating yourself—even for the tiny stuff—adds up.
And the best part? The more you practice acknowledging wins—big or small—the easier it is to believe in yourself. It stops feeling cringe and starts feeling like proof that you’re capable of showing up for yourself.
3. Doing the Thing I Said I’d Do (Even If I Don’t Feel Like It)
Self-respect and self-trust grow every time you prove to yourself that you can count on you.
I didn’t feel like journaling today. But I did it anyway.
I didn’t feel like getting fresh air. But I dragged myself outside, and hey, the sky is still nice.
I didn’t feel like writing this post. But I sat down, and the words came.
Feelings are valid, but they don’t have to run the show. And the more I push myself to follow through, the more natural it becomes. Eventually, it stops being a battle and just becomes part of who I am.
Self-Love Is an Ongoing Experiment
Some days, you’ll crush it. Other days, you’ll fall flat on your face. Both are normal. Both are part of the process. The real work is in showing up for yourself anyway.
So here’s my challenge for you: What’s one small, loving thing you can do for yourself today? Doesn’t have to be big. Just something that says, ‘Hey, I’m here, and I’m trying.’
And if you made it this far… yes, I will 100% send you the banana bread recipe. Just DM me.
~ Always with love, La Fille d’Ennui 💛
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